You heard it here first, folks! Mama T-Rex of the Jurassic Party has officially announced her run for the 2020 candidacy of President of the United States. With recent studies finding that dinosaurs are broadly popular amongst liberals and conservatives, she will prove quite a challenge to the incumbent commander in chief as well as any challengers from the opposing party.
The following is an excerpt from her announcement speech:
"There is crisis facing our food supply which could leave millions to starve. My fellow carnivores know this struggle all too well. The world runs thin on meat! There are too many mouths to feed, and all of them cry for meat! Yet, as you must know, we are running out of rescources to feed them, and the UN projects that we might have to rely on insects as a replacement. Oh, hell no! I, for one, refuse to live in an America where Beef Wellington is replaced with Tarantula-a-la-carte! God damn it, we didn't win a revolution for this! Some of the hipsters who drink pumpkin spice lattes at Starbucks suggest that we go vegetarian. I suggest that they get their man-buns caught in a propeller! We don't need to eat less meat, but eat different kinds of meat. So I suggest that we allow carnivorous dinosaurs to eat the undesirables of society to make more space, you know, terrorists, murderers, theives, televangelists, fans of the Big Bang Theory, furries, vegetarians, vegans, Chris Brown, et cetera. We would solve overpopulation and overcrowded prisons in one stroke.
"Now, onto my next proposal. 65 million years ago, this planet was struck by an asteroid that nearly wiped out all dinosaurs on the planet, and since then, we have remained defenseless, exposed to another strike. So I propose that glass domes be built to protect our cities from any possible stray meteors. These will be the best glass domes you've ever seen, trust me! Once the glass domes are built, future historians will look back and balk at how stupid we were to leave our cities unshielded from the elements!
"Vote for me! Vote for meat!"
Questions from journalists soon followed:
"Do you think Tyrannosaurs are well-represented in the media?"
"Not at all, we're always depicted as predators, or worse, scavengers! Herbivore propaganda films like The Land Before Time have contributed greatly to this myth of menace. I invited Don Bluth and Gary Goldman to lunch to discuss the matter. They gave me indigestion for days, ahem, but back to your question, we're very grateful to still have trailblazers like Barney, fighting the negative stereotypes that persist of tyrannosaurs. Though one wonders why he hasn't eaten B.J. or Baby Bop yet."
"Any thoughts on the revelation that Brontosaurus does, in fact, exist?"
"Whether Brontosaurs or Apatosaurus, the meat is tasty all the same."
"Any endorsements?"
"Yes, we've been endorsed by the great paleontologist Jack Horner. Of course, I had a few Velociraptors on standby to, well, persuade him."
"Any endorsements from herbivores?"
"Gandhi, I was told."
"Gandhi's been dead for decades."
"You thought the Colecanth was dead, too."
A heckler in the audience then began to jeer Mama T-Rex about her small hands. Not one to tolerate insults, the dinosaur proceeded to swallow him whole, shoes and all. Once the disruption had ended, the questioning resumed.
"The Sweet Meteor Of Death has also announced a 2020 run. Will your glass domes be sufficient to prevent his success?"
"I'll make the best glass domes, the best, believe me! I saw The Simpsons Movie, so I know how these things work. Anyway, that Meteor's a total poser, I recall when he was still a part of the asteroid belt."
"Where will we get the material to make these glass domes?"
"Well, glass is made out of sand, right? Deserts have sand, right? Nobody likes deserts, right? So I don't think anyone would mind if we just took all the sand from the all the deserts in the world and put a blowtorch to it."
"What if the glass domes break?"
Most agitated, Mama T-Rex announced that she had to break for lunch, and proceeded to gobble up the questioner before running off.
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